emotional

Changing Momentum

Last week’s challenge started off brilliantly. I literally had the best day of my life on Monday. I’m not kidding. It was the best day ever! I felt so happy, so high on adrenaline, so enthusiastic and full of life, and best of all … so damn productive! I had a full list and I checked everything off with time to spare, extra time to do even more than I imagined I ever might accomplish. Wow! It was such an amazing day! I proved to myself that there are enough hours in the day to do it all. I proved to myself that I can do it all, that I can live my best life, that I can be the person I want to be.

But it was time for my boyfriend to come stay with me for our three nights together. And he arrived Monday evening in a grey cloud. Grouchy. Touchy. Picky. Angry. Wearing his chip proudly upon his shoulder. Every word out of his mouth was negative. Gossip about people that he couldn’t possibly know was true or not. Spiteful comments about people he believes have wronged him in some way or another. I could say nothing that he didn’t feel was a personal attack that he needed to lash out against. He sat here oozing dark negativity into my positive bright space. So I sang louder and kept moving and checked everything off my list and hoped that my positive attitude would rub off on him and bring him over into the vortex. It was tough.

Despite all that I sprang out of bed Tuesday morning so eager to get started and have another awesome day. And I was doing it! Singing Good Vibrations, dancing while cleaning and exercising and working, getting so much done and feeling such a sense of pride and accomplishment. Wow! To feel like that every day! What a wonderful thing! And then my boyfriend got out of bed and he brought his negative attitude into my positive space again, just as strong as the night before, none of my bright light had rubbed off on him at all. And I found myself starting to feel grouchy too, and tired, and things weren’t being checked off my list the way they had been on Monday, and I started feeling overwhelmed by the list itself, so much to do, not enough hours in the day to do it, and so terribly tired, no energy to do it even if there was enough hours. And everything was so damn hard. And my singing got lower and lower and by mid-afternoon it just died out entirely.

And my boyfriend went out and came back with chips and ice cream and wine, despite me begging him not to bring junk food into my house because I wanted to keep my light. I wanted to keep my positive momentum going. I wanted to keep being positive in spite of his mood and eventually win him over to my side so he could feel positive and good too … but he filled the house with junk temptations. And I gave up, gave in, drank wine, ate chips and Ben & Jerry’s. I had been really tired but now I got my second wind and woke up, could have stayed up all night, drinking and eating fatty sugary junk food. But he was tired so shortly after midnight he said good night and went to bed. He went to bed even though he wasn’t the one who had been up since 5 am and functioning for the second day in a row on just four hours sleep. He went to bed as though his mission had been accomplished. I felt like he set out to pull me out of the vortex and now I was so he could rest easy.

The anger started to rise in me. I was so disappointed in myself for not fighting harder to keep my momentum. I felt so guilty because I had given in. I sat stewing, getting angrier and angrier until finally I couldn’t contain it any longer and I went to the bedroom, turned on the light and shook him awake asking why he did that to me, why did he deliberately sabotage me? Why couldn’t he just let me be? And anger gave way to tears. I ended up crying myself to sleep.

Wednesday I slept late. I woke feeling sad and disappointed. My mood matched the greyness of the day. The whole week had been grey and rainy but Monday I hadn’t needed the sun to cheer me up, I was my own cheering squad. I approached my list with dread and half-heartedly went through some motions to check things off but couldn’t get focused on it. I felt tired and achy, lazy and unproductive. I just wanted to go back to bed and stay there. Depressed. I kept questioning how it was that his negativity had zapped me so much despite my using every trick and coping skill I had to combat it, despite me knowing that I had to fight the negativity or be drug into it, how could I still be drug in?! I watched Abraham videos hoping for an answer.

By Thursday his mood had improved a little and it was time for him to leave and go get his son for five nights. I felt relief. Now, I could take back my positive power and get back into the vortex. I had a late start to the day but once he left I started singing and dancing again and cleaning and working and checking things off the list and feeling a sense of accomplishment. Oh yeah baby! I was back in! And this time I would have five nights, six days to get my mojo going and then I would be even stronger when he came back, better able to combat his negativity, if he turned up in a negative cloud. Woo hoo! Nothing was going to stop me now!

It all came to a screeching halt as soon as I spoke to him on the phone around supper time. He had had an altercation with his ex when he went to pick up his son. She had forbidden him to take him. I was scared he was going to go get drunk (he is an alcoholic, six years sober this time, but once he had 18 years in) or worse. There is a history of male depression in his family, a history of suicide. He gets very depressed, he speaks of killing himself frequently. I have come through depression myself and have made attempts. Some were serious, some were just cries for help. I take these things very seriously. And poof! The vortex was gone.

I haven’t gotten it back.

My boyfriend is fine. The universe has rigged it so we’re not spending any time together this week at all. He appears to be all happy go lucky this week from what I gather on the phone. I, on the other hand, am struggling to find my joy. So I am listening to Abraham, trying to learn how to clean my vibration, how to vibrate in a way that doesn’t allow negativity to come live with me for three nights. Trying to get my mojo back. Working on changing my momentum.

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