By 2008 I had evolved to a really good place. I was happy and healthy. I loved my work, my family, my home, my friends, my affiliations and life in general. I was strong mentally and emotionally and because I was actively exercising and improving my health I was getting stronger physically every day. I was developing the habits I desired and admired most in other people. I got up early every day to greet the sunrise. I nourished my body with healthy food. I loved my body by taking long walks and doing regular strength exercise. I loved my home and kept it clean, tidy and organized. People could drop in whenever and I would be happy to see them. There was only one thing missing from what I considered to be an otherwise perfect life. And that was someone to share it with.
In 2009 I found the missing piece and promptly sacrificed everything else I had in order to pursue a relationship with the love of my life. I don’t regret it because I had never felt a love like that before in my life and I’m glad to have had that experience. I don’t regret it because I absolutely know that this was exactly the path I was supposed to take. I was in the vortex with that decision. It was overall the very best experience of my life so far … and it ended much too quickly with the very worse experience of my life so far. In just a few years I went from being my very best self to being my very worse self. I went from having everything I always wanted to having nothing. The depression and post traumatic stress was unlike anything I ever experienced. Looking back I know I am lucky to be alive today, it is a miracle I didn’t give in to the darkness and end it all.
I have been trying since then to get back to where I was before I took the leap. Progress has been made, but I’ve been more vulnerable to depression. Two cloudy days in a row has been enough to put me in a downward spiral. So I’ve been reworking and adopting the same habits and programs and books and things that I used the first time around to get me to a better place. This has led me to purchase a Fitbit and strap it on everyday, even when I have no intention of getting off the couch. This has led me to adopt a whole food plant based diet so I can still eat french fries with peas and carrots when I need comfort food. And in the past month this has brought me back to the FLY Lady.
A co-worker turned me onto the FLY Lady over a decade ago. Back then I used her to help me get my new apartment organized and get myself into some good positive routines for upkeep. I followed her for awhile before I felt completely overwhelmed by the number of emails in the run of the day from her and then I unsubscribed. Some of the habits stuck, others went by the wayside, but overall it was a very positive experience.
I looked up the website again recently when I had feelings of being completely overwhelmed in my life. She sends less email every day now and the system has evolved a bit. She’s written a book. But the gist hasn’t changed. It’s about Finally Loving Yourself (FLY) and letting go of perfectionism. I have been chipping away at this, completing tasks I have procrastinated on for a long time. Jumping in and doing a bit here and there instead of doing nothing because my perfectionism tells me I don’t have time to do it all, or I don’t have time to do it properly. And slowly things are taking shape around me and looking better. I am making good progress. I feel things shifting and coming back together. I am optimistic and happy and I feel in control. I’ve started listening to Abraham and Esther Hicks every morning, to help get my day off on a good footing. I’m excited about my life!
When things are bad it can be hard to imagine a better future, but there is always a better future waiting. You just have to get there. It might take awhile and it might not be exactly what you thought it would be, but you can get there. When the darkness closes in just keep moving toward the light, no matter how far away and small it might seem to be. Reach out for any tool that can help you get there. Grab hold. And fly.