emotional

Happy 2017!

I am sucking at life on this the first day of a brand new year. This is the year I turn 48. Wow! How did THAT happen? It doesn’t happen for a few months, but still, once upon a time I never thought I would live long enough to see 30 and now if I play my cards right, I might just see 50 and beyond. 

Why am I sucking at life this fine New Year’s Day, you might ask?

Well, I am a 47 year old woman who weighed in this morning at a whopping 259 pounds (I’m only 5’6″ and perhaps even 5’5″ since I haven’t been measured since high school). All the dishes in my kitchen are dirty and cluttering the sink, counter-top, stove-top, and even the tops of the washer and dryer. Dust bunnies have overtaken the floor in my living room, dining room, hallways, bedroom, pretty much anywhere a dust bunny can live. I have been staying up past 3 am most nights over the holidays and sleeping in until 11, noon or even 1 pm. The garbage can is full and needs to be changed and taken out, so now any new garbage just gets tossed on the floor by the bin. My boots and jacket closet in the entryway has been overrun with recyclables to be taken out. My desk is piled high with random papers, books, electronics, office supplies, bills, personal cheques, coupons, flyers, and who knows what else. My spare room has a new to me bed that has been there for months but never made up for guests. The room is piled with more recylables waiting to be binned and totes filled with items that never got unpacked or organized when I moved into this apartment almost two and a half years ago. I am sick with a cough/ cold and every time I sneeze I have a little accident in the adult incontinence pad I’ve been forced to wear about a year now because one never knows when one might laugh a little too hard or sneeze.

There isn’t a single inch of my apartment that doesn’t need a cleaning and I am sick. I am feeling depressed and overwhelmed and panicky that the holidays are ending and I haven’t done a damn thing except vacate the premises for a week to spend time with family and be sick.

Truth be told, I have been slipping into this sucking at life thing for a couple of months. It started around mid-November I believe, though it may have been before that … I just recall that I felt an incredible urge to decorate and put up my Christmas tree before Remembrance Day on November 11th, which seems to indicate that I felt pretty good and had good energy and must have been pretty on top of things and organized if I felt capable of putting on Christmas, which is a pretty big job all by myself. Of course I didn’t actually put up any decorations this year so it might have just been that I had one or two good days in the sea of pissy ones, so it may have been that I started sinking into the sucking at life thing back in October when something happened to me that I had never experienced before.

I only told one person about this (my boyfriend) and given that my boyfriend’s mouth and brain are not connected I now wish I hadn’t told him because I told him in the heat of the moment, in the ugly crying face aftermath, and the very next day I was so embarrassed that I wished nobody I knew had knowledge of it. Back in October I was probably weighing in around 245, less than presently, but still pretty much the largest number I had ever seen on a scale up to that time. Without going into all the hows and whys, basically I had an altercation with a young man (30 something) who had called me fat. He said it to a friend of his right in front of me not really caring if I heard or not. I was so shocked at the lack of manners, the lack of concern for a fellow human being’s feelings, that I said something to him about it. I don’t know what I expected, some sort of apology, to make him feel a bit of shame at being so callous … I really don’t know, it all happened so quickly. Anyway, nothing good came out of me saying anything, I only made the situation worse and ended up calling my boyfriend in hysterics when I got home, making it worse again by telling the one person I know whose brain and mouth are really not connected.

As horrible as all this was, it has also taught me some things about myself and about others, which maybe I will discuss some day, but not today. Today it is just important for me to understand that this was likely the first catalyst into my latest depression. I have struggled with depression most of my life. I was a moody broody melodramatic child, a dark teenager, and suicidal in my twenties. My early and mid-thirties were spent mostly in self-study and personal development, learning new lifestyles skills. This was all great until I ventured back out of my self-study cocoon in my late thirties and invited others into my personal world. It had to happen, of course, I was experiencing depression peaks and valleys in the cocoon, bouts of loneliness, sadness over not having a special someone to share things with, etc. I experienced the worst emotional/ mental collapse of my life in my early forties. Any one of my younger selves wouldn’t have survived it, but all the work I did in the cocoon eventually helped me pull myself together again. And now, I think it’s just regular peaks and valleys, though this latest particular valley has stretched on for a bit (the dust bunnies can confirm) it also was brought on by a completely new to me and foreign situation, so maybe it needed a bit more time.

Okay, so that in a nutshell is where I’ve been, where I’m at, but the point of this new website and new year post is where I am going. I have read enough books, watched enough documentary films and programs, experimented with enough lifestyle changes that I am feeling pretty confident I have the knowledge and the skills to make 2017 the year I started living simply fierce!

What does being simply fierce mean to me? It’s all natural, simple, organized, productive, happy, healthy, energetic, fit, strong, effortless, honest, capable, and so much more! This is the year I adopt a whole food plant-based low-fat healthy diet and make it work for me so I shed pounds and turn my health around. This is the year I start paying attention to this activity tracker I have strapped on my wrist and become the active, energized person I have always dreamed I would become. This is the year that I reconnect with my spiritual self and learn to meditate and listen to my soul. This is the year that I get my house in order from top to bottom. This is MY year!

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