Croupy Cough

sealbarkingGoogle says: Croup is a viral infection of the voice box (larynx) and windpipe (trachea) associated with signs of a respiratory infection, such as a runny nose or cough. Usually the first indication of croup is a cough that sounds like the bark of a dog or seal.

I have been barking like a dog or seal for a few days now. My chest and back hurt. I sound pretty terrible. I want to be like Silent Bob and assume only non-speaking roles, but I keep getting phone calls, or having to make phone calls. Unfortunately for me, most of the main people in my life need hearing aids (for real, not joking) but they don’t have them yet. They are hearing impaired from head injuries … and I think also from using Q-Tips to clean their ears all their lives. PEOPLE! Stop sticking pointy objects in your ears for God’s sake! 

Anyway, I am taking all these phone calls from half deaf people. I speak and they say, “What?” I speak louder and they yell, “WHAT?” I yell and my chest hurts and I cough up half a lung and they yell louder, “WHAT?!” Then I blow my nose and mumble, “Nothing, forget about it.” Conversation is difficult.

If you are half deaf, all deaf, in need of a hearing aid … or if you think you are fine but you have a habit of cleaning your ears with Q-Tips, the twisted up end of a Kleenex, the tines of a fork, a toothpick, the end of your jack knife, or any other object … then please DO NOT CALL me! Text, send smoke signals, PM or DM me on social media, write an email, send a postcard … anything else. Because today the role of Kellie is being played by a big fat guy in a long coat and he isn’t going to speak until the very end and only then if he has something very profound to say that you really need to hear.

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