Hillbilly Ninja

Jay’s job got rained out Tuesday, so he was home by 1pm. He likes to crash on the couch when he gets home early and veg in front of redneck tv shows like Jerry Springer, Steve Wilco & Cheaters. I usually keep on working, trying not to let the overly loud volume of the television disturb me. Jay is a little deaf in one ear, so while I watch tv on 18, he often cranks it to 30. The kitchen table where I have the laptop set up is about two feet from the tv, so as you can imagine I don’t miss much of what he’s watching.

When I lived in Canada I really thought that most of the guests on Jerry Springer weren’t for real. I speculated that they were probably actors paid to follow a script, because where on earth could you ever find enough crazy people to fill a show every day year after year after year. But now I know the truth. The south is full of these people. I live amongst them.

Jay has a friend who was on Springer one time. He said they played up their story a little bit in order to be paid the $1000 appearance fee, but basically they just went on and told the truth about their crazy little love triangle.

Springer’s guests are usually strippers, prostitutes, pimps, cheating husbands, cheating wives, cheating girlfriends, cheating boyfriends, women who were born men, men who were born women, little people, lesbians, gay men coming out for the first time … but on Tuesday the show was the best of one of their favourite guests, a man from Tennessee who had been on the show three times, dubbed the Hillbilly Ninja.

I very rarely get sucked into these shows, but this one was so bizarre I couldn’t tear myself away.

We laughed until the tears ran down our faces at this bizarre man who first came on the show to tell his brother (Little Wayne) that he was pimping out his girlfriend in their trailer park and had inadvertently fallen in love with her.

His name is Dave and he said he’d fallen in love with this girl he was getting to sleep with his friends and neighbors for cigarettes and beer. He figured his brother would come out and want to fight him but he warned that he’d watched every Steven Segal and Chuck Norris movie and learned their moves. He would watch the tapes on his VCR and practice in front of the mirror. He demonstrated his kicks and chops to the rollicking audience.

And then when Little Wayne came out, he tried to kick and chop him. It was freaking hilarious.

Apparently after he went back to his trailer park, Dave became a bit of a local celebrity for being on the Jerry Springer show and this inspired him to make his own “how to Ninja” videos to sell to his neighbors. They showed clips of him wearing his red cape demonstrating his “Ninjie” moves after warning “this here is serious, don’t be trying this on your kids or your dog.” His assistant, a Nijettie, wore a Wonder Woman costume and held a board for him to break.

In his second appearance on Springer, Diamond Dave was back because he’d finally found the love of his life. Unfortunately she was his uncle Big Dave’s girlfriend and as it turned out only using Little Dave the Ninja Hillbilly for his fame and attention.

Jerry had him back one last time when an angry martial arts instructor wanted to confront Dave for essentially making the discipline look like a fool. The real martial artist demonstrated real techniques, to which Dave scoffed that he didn’t have a clue what he was doing and proceeded to show him how it was really done.

Well, we laughed for the whole hour. Sometimes having a redneck husband is a good thing, because I’m sure I’d never find anything like this to entertain me for an hour all by myself.

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