Since I first started blogging in February of 2004, over five years ago, I don’t think I’ve ever taken such a long hiatus. I can’t believe it’s been over two months since I published a post. Wow! Forgive me readers, for I have sinned.
I would like to explain my absence by saying that I have been consumed by other writing … but unfortunately that would be a lie. I’ve had a lot going on, but I haven’t been consumed with any other other writing.
While I think it started on a very subconscious level, this break has been more the result of me taking time to reassess what it is that I hope to accomplish here.
My blog used to be my dumping ground, where all those stray thoughts– truth, fiction, the good, the bad, the downright horrific–would congregate. I never worried about how my personal rantings and ravings might reflect upon my more professional work as an editor and journalist. I was never concerned about how my feelings at any given time might affect my loved ones. And when I began to consider these things … my voice shrank.
Suddenly it didn’t seem to be the right thing to vent about how much much my life sucked or to post disturbing dark fiction that might be taken as truth. I mean I’m the face of a positive outlook magazine, my life should be a bed of roses. Right? And in the past four months my life has become increasingly intertwined with another life … how to continue to talk about myself without mentioning him? Because he certainly hasn’t signed up to living out loud online.
And the more I considered these things, the less I had to say.
I told a friend the other day that I felt silenced, stifled. And we both agreed that it was obviously not doing me any good. I can’t hold things inside. It’s not healthy. I am a person who needs the release of writing. Even if nobody reads. Even if I just write it down and immediately afterward burn the paper or hit delete.
Someone else posted to my twitter account, “all we get is the occasional blip now and that’s all?” Another friend sent me an email with the subject line “what? no blogging?” I know I’m in trouble when people start wondering where I’ve gone.
So here I am! Hopefully getting ready to crank this puppy up again and start blogging. And what better day to begin than Tuesday, my new number one favourite day of the week. I kid you not. I know Sunday has been my favourite day since 1994 when it became the good day because it was the hang-over day, but lately … I haven’t been feeling the Sunday. It used to be that I would love the day, then suffer all night with Sunday Night Anxiety. Still, the anxiety, bad as it was, never seemed to be bad enough to ruin the beauty of the day … until recently. It’s not that the Sunday Night Anxiety has worsened, it’s actually not that intense, I’ve experienced worse. But it starts a lot earlier and lasts much longer.
Monday is generally a manic blur of recovery. I don’t know that I actually get a lot finished, but I start a lot of stuff. A LOT OF STUFF! But then Tuesday arrives and I start to slow down, settle into the groove, and feel the love. Figuratively love. Literally love. My mood has been pretty fantastic on recent Tuesdays, I must say. It’s unusual, but it is what it is.
Today, I finally got all my documentation together to make my passport application, went by Service NB and submitted it. I was surprised by how excited I was afterward. When she stamped everything and said it looked good and I’d get everything in the mail in a few weeks. A passport has been on my list for so long. For so very long. Where will I go? Anywhere I want. Wow!