Return to Me

“What you think and what you feel and what actually manifests is ALWAYS a match – no exception” — tweet from Manifest Mastermind

I’ve been thinking a lot about this concept in the last two days. I’ve been trying to figure out what went wrong. Why do I feel so out of control and like most of my life is falling apart? It’s no secret to my family that I’ve been malnourished.

I mean literally malnourished, not figuratively. Literally trying to get by on one meal a day, stretching a box of Kraft Dinner to two days. Living without fruit, without vegetables, without meat … just living, without. A couple of years ago I was easily spending more money on food in two weeks than what I’ve spent on groceries in the last six months. It’s a financial crises which started last September and then escalated in January.

I’ve been depressed about it. I’ve been tired, but unable to sleep. I’ve been anxious and worried and crying all the time. I’ve been unable to concentrate. My memory has deteriorated to the point where I can’t even spell the simplest words on my own, let alone recall grammar rules. I have been cranky and irritable. I’ve been having headaches and constipation and diahrrea and bloating and nausea and cramps. I’ve been staying home alone, ignoring household chores, not reading books, not watching tv, not watching movies, not blogging and not writing. I’ve been malnourishing my soul.

I can’t continue to live like this. And I’ve been trying to figure out what to do about it. I’ve been trying to be “realistic” and “logical.” But you know what? Before, when I wasn’t in this state, I wasn’t being realistic or logical. I wasn’t planning ahead. I was just going with the flow and trusting it would be okay. I didn’t hold onto the money in my pocket today to cover the rent next month. I went to the grocery store and bought my supper and trusted that when the rent came around I’d have it. And I did!

I need to stop thinking I don’t have enough. I need to stop living like I don’t have enough. I need to nourish myself and trust that the rest will work out. I need to return to me, living in the moment. What good is having the rent money for April 1st in my account going to do me if I’m not here? None. I have money in my wallet. I am going to take that money and go to the store and buy some frigging green leafy vegetables and some apples and strawberries and eggs and chicken and I am going to savour the food I put into my mouth and feel good again. I am going to trust that the universe will take care of the rest. Because it has in the past. When I’ve left it in the universe’s hands, it comes through, each and every time. I know this to be true.

I can’t wait to go shopping! I can’t wait to start nourishing and to feel well again!

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