balance

2 AM Just Breathe

So this getting up at 6 every morning and still staying up all night may be getting to me during the day with fuzzy brain sleepiness. Today, I might even nap. It’s not that I’m not tired at 9pm. It’s not that I don’t desperately want to go to bed at 10pm. It’s that I’m behind. I’m behind on my work and desperately trying to get ‘er done and nothing is coming easy or fast right now. So, if I’m still awake at 1:30am, how come I don’t reset the alarm so I can sleep a little later than 6 you ask? Great question! The answer is quite simply, I can’t give up, give in, quit, abandon the task I’ve set out to accomplish. That simple act of resetting the alarm to a later time represents me giving up on my self yet again. And I’m not doing it! No matter how sleepy and cranky I may get throughout the day on my four or five hours sleep. Plus, I’m waking shortly after five every morning on my own anyhow, without the alarm, so I don’t know that setting it to later would even help the sleepy factor. I appear to be wired . . . and stupid. Go figure that!

Yesterday was hellish for brain fog. By 11:30 last night I could barely see my computer screen and couldn’t type without hitting all the wrong keys, typos and mis-spelled words, I don’t even know what I intended to say. The day before was better. But the day before that, same thing, all fogged in. On my clear-headed day I had a tomato basil egg white omelet and toast for breakfast, lots of protein. So this morning I blew past the cereal and went straight for the eggs and tomatoes again. So far, so good, I feel clear, but the test will be after lunch, whether I crash or not. If I don’t then I will have to start making a direct point to load up on protein first thing in the day. Hopefully, this is all I need to do. Going to bed earlier is not an option for probably another week at least.

Last night I dreamed I went to my high school reunion. Or rather my classmates came to me. I was at my grandparent’s house (why am i there so much in dreams?) and people arrived early in the day catching me unprepared and wearing ratty old sleep pants and a holey t-shirt, hair uncombed, teeth unbrushed, face unwashed, crusties in the corners of my eyes. I was horrified. And I had to play hostess in this condition. Everybody else was so well put together, assembled, you know. And one girl was talking to me saying how much she admired my down to earth nature and how refreshing it was to be around someone who so obviously didn’t care what people thought and could just be themselves. She wasn’t making fun. It wasn’t a backhanded put-down. The girl was completely sincere. She totally thought this, really admired me. It was bizarre. Even more bizarre perhaps was calling S this morning and learning she also had a reunion dream last night, also revolving around the theme of clothing. In her dream everyone was forced to wear bikinis. Eep! Much more horrific than my dream, I’m afraid. We’ve resolved that we should buy a new outfit for this event, something we feel comfortable and confident in, so these dreams don’t come true.

Mood: curious
Drinking: water, water, always water
Listening To: foundations, kate nash (yes again! I love, love, love her!)
Hair: fluffy

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