anniversaries

Borne

Slept on the futon last night. Wanted to watch a movie, wanted to be able to drift off during movie. It’s cold in my place. Colder than I’m used to. The sun warms it up a lot during the day, but on days when the sun is hidden and at night . . . ugh! It’s cold! I’m sleeping in layers. Last night two pairs of socks, two pairs of sleep pants, a tank top, t-shirt, two cardigans. I put a throw on the futon mattress, fuzzy New Brunswick Health sheet next to my body, thin camp blanket, heavier fuzzy blanket, and topped it off with the comforter. I wasn’t cold. I wasn’t sweating either. I was mostly comfortable. Yes, I have control of the thermostat here. I could turn up the heat. But at night I don’t think the place would warm if I left it set at 30, the heaters run a lot now. It’s just the windows. I need to get curtains. Curtains must rise to the top of my priorities. Curtains will block some of the cold at night, will block the hot sun in summer, the morning sun on my computer screen now.

So I’ve been here a week yesterday. Pretty good week. I’m doing well. If I could just get my eating/exercise habits back on track I’d be good to roll. Money is an issue right now. The cold is an issue right now. But I am envisioning the most perfect spring being sprung here. I need to feed my creativity, nourish my soul, the rest will follow.

Watched “Brokeback Mountain” again last night. If you recall, I didn’t think much of it the first time around, certainly didn’t have the emotional connection my sisters had, who cried their eyes out. But sometimes you’re just not in the right headspace when you watch something, you miss stuff, are unable to relate, and then you watch it a second time later and it’s like you’re watching a completely different film and you wonder how you could have disliked it so much the first time. So I thought maybe that would happen . . . I hoped that would happen. Nope. Nothing of the sort. I did kind of enjoy it more than the first time because I put on the English subtitles so I could actually understand the mumbling cowboy’s lines, and I kinda bought that these two would have sex more than I did the first time . . . but the whole plot turns on the idea of loved, and still, I wasn’t feeling the love. It’s the first scene in the tent . . . I dunno. It’s like they get drunk and shit happens and Ennis is so “morning after the night before, what the fuck just happened here” ashamed. I relate to this on many levels. Slinking away feeling like crap. And while he was off misbehaving a sheep killed. Guilt. Everything says it’s a bad mistake. There’s no love here. And then in the next breath there is–tender love scenes, playful rough-housing. Still not buying it. Disappointing. I hoped I’d get swept away this time.

I feel a viewing of “Vanilla Sky” on the rise. I haven’t watched it since Tom Cruise went crazy. I hope that doesn’t ruin it for me. I don’t think it will. I watched “War of the Worlds” after he jumped on Oprah’s couch and said terrible things about Brooke Shields and all that and it didn’t matter that he was in it, it was still Spielberg and I still enjoyed. And “Vanilla Sky” is Cameron Crowe, and I love Cameron Crowe, so it’s got to still be okay.

Slept in until almost 7:30 this morning. Stayed up pretty late though. I’m on track for my goal of getting up by 7:30 everyday for a month though. One week down, three to go. One week does not a solid habit make. I think it takes 16 days. Certainly after one month, it will just be the norm. I want to be a morning person. This is the first thing to develop. Then I want to be a morning person who gets up early and goes to the gym and eats breakfast and all that good stuff. This is the year for these things. It’s coming.

Mood: cheerful
Drinking: coffee with cream in my bjp mug
Listening To: vivaldi’s four seasons
Hair: in a headband so i can see

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