I may be having some kind of . . . I don’t know, emotional collapse, for lack of a better term and not wanting to toss around the very cliche and over-used “nervous breakdown.”
Perhaps I’m just exhausted. I can count this week’s hours of sleep on two hands and have fingers to spare.
Perhaps I’m just hungry. A couple of crackers and two butterfly cookies since . . . I don’t remember . . . Tuesday? Isn’t exactly nourishment.
This is a familiar feeling. This uncertainty. This foggyness. This used to be my life. I used to drift from devastation to devastation. But I thought I was done with all that. I thought I was done with sleeplessness and starvation and jumping at the slightest sound. I thought I was finished with bad nerves, and waking nightmares, and irrational thought processes. It’s been awhile. I thought it was done.
I’m hormonal. In case you haven’t guessed. Yes, “the curse” on top of all the other curses, how’d I get so lucky?
So nothing makes sense right now. I hope I’ll get on the train today and the grey cloud will lift and I’ll just be okay. I hope I’ll get some food when I get there and some sleep tonight and tomorrow I’ll be as good as new. I hope I don’t fall apart as soon as I see a familiar face. I just don’t want to cry in front of anyone. If I start, I mightn’t stop. I feel very much alone right now. Very weak. Very much a failure. I very much want to leave these feelings here. Snap out of it. Move forward. Bygones.
That is all.
Listening To: —