Looking for a fresh notebook earlier (don’t you love a fresh notebook? unspoiled pages full of possibility?) and I found one with just a few pages used. Journal entries from 2004 before I used to blog all the time. Something I wrote May 23/04 caught my attention. Here it is:
I remember one day a long time ago, maybe last summer, I wasn’t in pain. I remember it because it was the first pain-free day in months. I remember it because there hasn’t been another day like it since. I remember being in the kitchen, smiling, doing kicks like a rockette, tentatively at first then with more force as I realised how easily my knees bent, no popping, no grinding, just smooth high kicks. It was a sunny day, warm but not too hot, dry and not humid. I went outside with Nick and we ran around the yard. I felt light, like I could fly. God, I loved that day.
And I STILL remember that day! It was a good one. The first part of this century was all about physical pain for me. I am so much better now. I really am. And it’s all happened since I moved. Whether it’s the climate, the stairs, the walking everyday, the increase in veggies, the red wine, the lack of second-hand cigarette smoke, the absence of daily family stress, or some combination of all these things, I am the best I’ve been since 1998-99, whenever the symptoms first started to become overbearing and unable to be ignored. Everyday isn’t about dealing with the pain anymore. I have periods of inflammation still, but I also have entire weeks where I feel no pain at all. I think I notice it most when I go to Miramichi. I don’t know why, if it’s the climate or the stress of visiting or what, but when I get within a few miles of Miramichi on the train or in a car I feel the ache in my bones. It’s a little weird. Stacy says I bring freakish weather with me everytime I visit, maybe that’s it. It was good to find this notebook and be reminded of how much my situation has improved.
Last night I broke in my wok. Loving it! Always wanted one. Of course I nearly chopped my thumb off while slicing peppers. It’s not cooking until I get hurt. No seriously, it’s a bad cut. I have a permanent knick on my thumb anyway, but this was pretty intense, felt faint and everything with blood gushing onto the floor, soaking through the tissue wrap in seconds. Was worried I wouldn’t be able to get it to stop, that once and for all I’d succeed in bleeding to death from a freak accident in the kitchen, wondered how long it would take to bleed out, how long should I let it go on before taking myself to the hospital. I got it to clot finally, but then everytime I did anything all evening the thing would bust open and start gushing again. It’s pretty deep I think, maybe severed something in there, about an inch long and purplish black bruised. Being careful of it.
Yesterday was Samuel and Jules birthday. All my babies are growing up. I called them to wish them a happy birthday. Jules got a ballerina outfit and Samuel got hockey. They seemed well pleased and excited. I’ve mailed my gift to them, movie theatre gift certificates. Jenn sent me pics of Jules as the prima ballerina. I wish there was a way to put her in classes, she’s got the grace, build and the discipline to be quite good I think. I haven’t seen a ballet in a long time. Seems like something is touring here soon though. I should get tickets. I miss dance.
Drinking: scotch whiskey
Listening To: Get Together, The Youngbloods
Hair: off my face